Damnsle Inthis-Dress

poety, rants, and self-loathing self-acceptance...what could be more fun difficult annoying ridiculous outrageous?

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Location: NW OH

Je pense, donc je doute. Je suis. Je pense.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

How I Saved The World:

I live in an apartment. I like not having to worry about the yard or the hot water heater and all that jazz. I also like knowing that there are always people within 25 feet of me, even if it’s on the other side of a wall. But mostly it's because I can barely keep a one bedroom apartment tidy; do you have any idea of the health hazards that would present themselves if I tried to keep an entire house clean by myself?

The dust rhinos would be enormous. That’s right. Not dust bunnies. Dust rhinoceroses. Huge. They would most likely gain sentience through an unholy union with some moldy hummus and rancid camembert. Then they would just sit around the house all day, being dusty, watching TV (Because really, who’s going to hire a giant sentient dust rhino, even at minimum wage?) and slowly eating away at my furniture and belongings. It would be enough to make me stamp my foot in a fit of pique, and then that would send up a cloud of dust which would asphyxiate me and I would die. Then the giant sentient dust rhinos would escape the house and alarm people by charging down the street and eating all the ice cream (they love ice cream), but then they would be caught up and torn apart by the wind, eventually encircling the globe in an impenetrable cloud of sentient dust, causing a nuclear winter effect similar to setting off all the nukes at once and that would be the end of life on the planet for a billion, billion years.

So it’s probably better that I’m not a homeowner. Safer.

8 Comments:

Blogger josh williams said...

You just described my home!

2/5/07 19:44  
Blogger josh williams said...

What I am seeking in landscaping for my home is what I call the Abandoned Estate look or how do you say.... Elegant Decay...At anyrate I kinda act like I live in a condo and someone else is doing all my outside grooming, except I am not paying the condo fees and my neighbors are beginning to rumble.

7/5/07 22:48  
Blogger Calzone said...

It's probably also because you are an english major who laps sack.

10/5/07 13:38  
Blogger damnsle said...

Josh: Let's get reeaady tooo RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not sure if that text is going to wrap or not.

In any case, owning a house is anti-humanity (it’s bad for the environment (because the inside environment kills, just ask any scientist, or, you know, nearby crazy person)) and condos/apartments are pro-humanity because it keeps nosey neighbors happy. And THAT, my friends, is what makes the world go ‘round. Seriously, is Mrs. Paula ever going to stop asking me when I’m going to get married? And is Ms. Sarhar’s cat ever going to stop sneaking into my apartment (I have no idea how that creature gets in here. I only know that I have enough shed hair from that thing to build a whole new cat of my own)? And is Mr. Weinstein ever going to stop trying to crawl down my cleavage with his eyeballs, even though he’s about 88 years old?

The answer, my friends, is no. They won’t stop blowing their smoke (mrs. paula) fur (ms. sarhar), greedy, greedy eyeballs, (mr. weinstein) and wishes (?) in the wind. No matter what I do or do not own. Or clean. I have no idea what my point was.

Completely off-subject: Why do I always feel honored when Calzone comes out of his hole and says something inane, that yet makes my freckles quiver?

10/5/07 20:52  
Blogger josh williams said...

You can say that again.

12/5/07 16:48  
Blogger josh williams said...

yep, you sure can say that again.

22/5/07 16:58  
Blogger damnsle said...

I'm sorry. I forgot what I said. What am I saying again?

26/5/07 19:27  
Blogger josh williams said...

Shite! I forgot, you are going to have to start from the beginning.

29/5/07 23:19  

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