Friends: A Mixed Blessing

Have you ever received those emails that ask you to answer a form letter full of questions about yourself that apparently is supposed to make you feel closer to the sender, because it shows how alike the two of you are despite all of your supperficial differences? Yeah, I fucking loathe 'em too. So here are my answers to the latest one. I figure, fuck 'em. If they don't already know the answers, why the hell should I try to reply truthfully to these questions?

1. What is your occupation? Ersatz Francophone Vintner.

2. What color are your underwear? Jif Creamy Peanut Butter.

3. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head.

4. What was the last thing you ate? I don’t remember their names.

5. Do you wish on stars? Only if they wish back.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Shiraz.

7. How is the weather right now? Maria Garcia Yolanda Perez-Smith, but you can call me Bob.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Died.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Will I get money if I say yes?

10. How old are you today? Magic 8-ball says: Concentrate And Ask Again

11. Favorite drink? My own urine.

12. Favorite sport to watch? Coordinated Nancy Kerrigan Kneeing.

13. Did you ever dye your hair? I tattoo it instead.

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? I was born without eyes, and thanks for bringing that up.

15. Any pets? I have a gimp.

16. Favorite month? Really, I have a gimp. Isn't that impressive enough for you?

17. Favorite food? Whatever my gimp buys on sale.

18. What was the last movie you watched? "Memoirs of a Gimp"

19. Favorite day of the year? Yoolulueoo day, during the secret month of Orrlgttio on the last day of Wjitskits when all the Talialitoo's eject their tails for the year and we collect the seeds upon which we vent any unused anger from the previous year by stuffing them up our noses, which initiates a fit of orgasm-like sneezes. I love that.

20. What do you do to vent anger? I snort ejected Talialitoo tail seeds.

21. Hugs or Kisses? I don't like pudding.

22. Cherry or Blueberry? Vodka.

23. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? No, only my enemies. I have to keep my eye on you.

24. Who is most likely to respond? George W. Bush

25. Who do you live with? If by "Who" you mean "Do", and by "Do" you mean "you" and by "you live with" you mean "live alone", then the answer is 88, but only if you square the infinitive, otherwise it's an obsessive.

26. When was the last time you cried? When I found out I was born without eyes, and thanks for bringing that up.

27. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpet and a little bit of gravity.

28. What friend have you had the longest? Cecil-The-Eternal-Who-Knows-All (And Yet Still Smells Vaguely Of Old Spittle).

29. What did you do last night? Depends on what you mean by last night.

30. Favorite smells? Cecil.

31. Who/what inspires you? Inspiration, duh.

32. What are you afraid of? People who are chalky white and unattractive for no reason other than they think it's Goth and attractive in a goth/alternitive way, but it's really not.

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger? Why yes. Yes, it is.

34. Favorite car? I keep my toenails pointy in case of emergency.

35. # of keys on my key ring? Might as well ask me how many O's on my O-ring, because I don't know what an O-ring is.

36. Favorite dog breed? O-rings.

37. How many years at current job? Spaghetti.

38. Favorite day of the week? Naked-Olive-Oil-Slip-N-Slide-Day.

39. How many cities/towns have you lived in/name them? Does answering a question with a question count as answering the question?

40 How many kids do you have and gender? Gimp.