I feel very fat today...

Control

I want to be eaten by wolves
With jaws slavering foam
And eyes red-rimmed with stars and love.
Or bears, moss covered and rough furred
With clean slashing claws and tender savage hunger -
Rending my flesh with purpose.
Or monsters from the darkness,
Cheerful and insane with death addled dreams,
Whispering endearments of blood
And warmth.
But the only monsters I have
Are the monsters inside me:
Chromosomes and genes
Dancing in eternal mockery.
Twisting my body and my mind to match their frenzy,
Holding me hostage to parentage,
Helpless and hopeless,
In holy hatred of what I am –
Who I am.
I can feel the corpse I’m encapsulated in
Plotting each fleet footed moment:
Gaining strength to pull me down
And bury me in ignominious defeat.
I want to die with teeth in my throat
And claws eviscerating me gracefully.
But I know how I will die…
Stunned, with only a shocked and soft
“oh.”