Damnsle Inthis-Dress

poety, rants, and self-loathing self-acceptance...what could be more fun difficult annoying ridiculous outrageous?

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Location: NW OH

Je pense, donc je doute. Je suis. Je pense.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Suicide is my only option...

I’m tired of being in love
with impossible, unreachable men.
I’m tired of being ugly
even when I’m not
(but I am).

I’m tired of always being alone
I’m tired of always chasing others away.
I’m tired of being the one who is strong
to no one leaning on me.

I’m tired of fantasies and imagination
I’m tired of hope and calls to god.
I’m tired of loneliness and cold and wine
I’m tired of masturbation and porn and dreams.

I’m tired of being alone
and alone
and alone
and always alone especially when I’m with a couple.
I’m tired of talking to myself and pretending;
I’m tired of holding myself in the shower.

I’m tired of wishing the pain would stop

I just want it to stop

just stop

and stop

I want it to stop tonight.

I’m tired of trying to be elegant and eloquent
I’m tired of trying to be patient and strong.
I’m tired of trying to hang on for nothing,
for promises that never come
and never come
and never come
and fruition that never comes
to all my daydreams unfulfilled.

I’m tired of believing in angels
I’m tired of believing in hell.
I’m tired of trying to placate the gods
and the demons that torment my soul.

I’m tired of counting
I’m tired of trying to make the numbers match
I’m tired of having to watch the clocks for specific times
that make no sense
in this world or the next.

I’m tired of wanting to bleed
I’m tired of seeing my veins stretch
I’m tired of needing my own destruction to hold my brain together.

I just want to lay down,
I just want to lay everything down,
And I want everything inside to be quiet.
I just want to let everything go
And to be at last at peace with myself:

I just want a do-over...

12 Comments:

Blogger Fletcher said...

But you said before that you had wings? That must be oool. Besides, you try for a do-over and your dice rolls give you the same character statistics and you find that you go for the same skills and feats and you don't get experience points any faster so there is really no point in the do-over when you can probably make this campaign work, even if your game-master is a complete frell-face.
Maybe?
&

17/4/06 00:32  
Blogger Tree said...

Um. Yeah, what Fletcher said.

I have all the same thoughts that you have posted here. I have a lot of people who would be well pissed off if I killed myself AND with my luck, I'd instantly reincarnate into some life that was in far worse shape.

So, better the hell one knows.

17/4/06 00:36  
Blogger damnsle said...

Tree -- Despite all my whining about wanting to die, I've never even actually attempted suicide. Not only am I much too much of a chicken shit, I'm too curious about what comes next. I think I'm actually a closeted optimist, all my outward pessimism to the contrary.

fletcher -- I have an intrinsic distrust of any die that possesses more than 6 sides, so I could never play those games. Although frell-face just became my new favorite insult, right behind twit.

17/4/06 21:23  
Blogger Fletcher said...

Ah! But you knew of what I spoke! *Does a little dance*. They can be fun, with the right group of folks.

Yes, "Farscape" was awesome. However, frell-face was my own invention. Just the other night, in fact. :)
&

18/4/06 01:09  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Suicide is a waste of time. So is trying to create for others-be it an art, a persona, a style, or a reputation. Do whatever it takes to experience existence as deeply as possible. You will have plenty of time to not exist later.

18/4/06 23:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel the same way, except I am not tired. I'm wide awake baby! Wide awake with the angst of being! I'm a go getter for self destruction! WOO!

21/4/06 18:25  
Blogger damnsle said...

I'm with you and Dorothy Parker on suicide "...might as well live." I'm not going to off myself anytime soon, at least not on purpose. But if I don't whine and complain about my pain like a spoiled, narcissistic little bitch I would loose my membership in the Pretentious Fucks club, and that would just be unpleasant. What would I do for fun then?

22/4/06 02:30  
Blogger Fletcher said...

Do you get a card and a decoder ring when you join the Pretentious Fucks Club? How might I be invited?
&

23/4/06 01:08  
Blogger damnsle said...

You do, but the ring has teeth and the card isn't a decoder key, it just gives you a date and time. I havn't figured out what that means yet. It's easy to be invited, just act as if your pain is more important and vital than everyone else's and you'll be in.

23/4/06 04:29  
Blogger Frank G said...

It boggles my mind
that I find certain persons
are inside my head.

Just a cheesy haiku to say "Thanks" for the eloquent expression. Somedays I feel like Sylvia Plath with an Electric Oven.

Nothing to see here. Please move on.

23/5/06 18:27  
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