Suicide is my only option...

I’m tired of being in love
with impossible, unreachable men.
I’m tired of being ugly
even when I’m not
(but I am).

I’m tired of always being alone
I’m tired of always chasing others away.
I’m tired of being the one who is strong
to no one leaning on me.

I’m tired of fantasies and imagination
I’m tired of hope and calls to god.
I’m tired of loneliness and cold and wine
I’m tired of masturbation and porn and dreams.

I’m tired of being alone
and alone
and alone
and always alone especially when I’m with a couple.
I’m tired of talking to myself and pretending;
I’m tired of holding myself in the shower.

I’m tired of wishing the pain would stop

I just want it to stop

just stop

and stop

I want it to stop tonight.

I’m tired of trying to be elegant and eloquent
I’m tired of trying to be patient and strong.
I’m tired of trying to hang on for nothing,
for promises that never come
and never come
and never come
and fruition that never comes
to all my daydreams unfulfilled.

I’m tired of believing in angels
I’m tired of believing in hell.
I’m tired of trying to placate the gods
and the demons that torment my soul.

I’m tired of counting
I’m tired of trying to make the numbers match
I’m tired of having to watch the clocks for specific times
that make no sense
in this world or the next.

I’m tired of wanting to bleed
I’m tired of seeing my veins stretch
I’m tired of needing my own destruction to hold my brain together.

I just want to lay down,
I just want to lay everything down,
And I want everything inside to be quiet.
I just want to let everything go
And to be at last at peace with myself:

I just want a do-over...