A Post for T.L. Hines, Since I'm Sure He Won't...

I recently almost read a book. Thanks be to the gods that protect me and my thinking brain, I did not finish it. It is a most ridiculous book; the most ridiculous thing about it is that in the hands of a capable author the premise would have been magnificent. In the hands of the actual author, however, it is nothing short of an embarrassing travesty. Aside from the stilted characters, transparent plot line and weak writing, the whole religion trip made me gag.

What really sucks is that the underlying idea for the story was really quite good. Intriguing, even, which is why I plucked it off the library shelf in the first place. But it all went downhill from there. Seriously, how did this guy get published? I write better than this clown, and I've never been published. Unless, of course, you count the publishing house that said my story about the futuristic, skywalking space knight and his courageous band of misfit heroes that overthrew the evil emperor solely by love, luck and light swords was a sure thing. They told me that all needed to do was pay $34,000 to an offshore account and they would get me in print. I sent the money a long, long time ago, to a bank account far, far away. And they promised me I would get a free copy of the book. I can't imagine what happened to it. I still check my mailbox everyday...

Anyway, I digress...

I wrote to T.L Hines’s blog, but I’m sure I’ll never get posted. Judging by the slobbering posts that exist in that place, either the guy’s handlers never let him hear the bad side or he himself will never let his half-witted fans know there IS a bad side. Gods forbid there be a dissenting voice amongst the believers. Therefore I present to you in its entirety the post I sent to one T.L. Hines about his book (of which I had great hopes, which were dashed like a kittens brains against a Texans boot heel) and of which I’m sure will never see the light of day on his blog:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! How in the name of all that is holy did this stupid piece of shit ever get published, much less on ANY best list?

Not only is the writing almost sophomoric, the plot holes (not to mention the plausibility holes) are mind boggling. I could not even force myself to read the whole thing; I read almost halfway through – long after where I saw where the story was going and the whole 'whodunit' aspect was long solved – then I skipped to the ridiculous, wretched, painfully obvious ending. How much did you (or your publishers) pay the authors whose quotes of admiration adorn the dust sleeve? I find it impossible to believe that any thinking person would praise this dung heap-like compilation of words of their own accord.

My only consolation is that I didn’t pay anything for this travesty; I borrowed it from my local library. And then returned it way in advance of the due date so that others may laugh at it in unbridled scorn as well.

Please don’t write anything more. Please.

Harsh? Perhaps. However, one must remember the truism of Jesus (the one that lives down the hall from me, not the one in the bible):

« Tu as gagnée ta place aux Paradis
et si un ange passe pars avec lui. »

Actually neither one of them said that, but I just thought it needed to be repeated anyway.

THANK YOU CLEVELAND AND GOODNIGHT!