Damnsle Inthis-Dress

poety, rants, and self-loathing self-acceptance...what could be more fun difficult annoying ridiculous outrageous?

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Location: NW OH

Je pense, donc je doute. Je suis. Je pense.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

How I Saved The World:

I live in an apartment. I like not having to worry about the yard or the hot water heater and all that jazz. I also like knowing that there are always people within 25 feet of me, even if it’s on the other side of a wall. But mostly it's because I can barely keep a one bedroom apartment tidy; do you have any idea of the health hazards that would present themselves if I tried to keep an entire house clean by myself?

The dust rhinos would be enormous. That’s right. Not dust bunnies. Dust rhinoceroses. Huge. They would most likely gain sentience through an unholy union with some moldy hummus and rancid camembert. Then they would just sit around the house all day, being dusty, watching TV (Because really, who’s going to hire a giant sentient dust rhino, even at minimum wage?) and slowly eating away at my furniture and belongings. It would be enough to make me stamp my foot in a fit of pique, and then that would send up a cloud of dust which would asphyxiate me and I would die. Then the giant sentient dust rhinos would escape the house and alarm people by charging down the street and eating all the ice cream (they love ice cream), but then they would be caught up and torn apart by the wind, eventually encircling the globe in an impenetrable cloud of sentient dust, causing a nuclear winter effect similar to setting off all the nukes at once and that would be the end of life on the planet for a billion, billion years.

So it’s probably better that I’m not a homeowner. Safer.